Tobi Hill-Meyer
Attraction – or lack thereof – to trans people

As many continue to argue about the appropriateness of sexual preferences that exclude trans people, the ground being debated often shifts or slides so that we are not all talking about the same thing.  For anyone continuing to defend a pattern of excluding trans people as potential partners as natural and free from social influence and internalized transphobia, I won’t tell you to stop arguing your case, but do so understanding these two points.

1 – No one wants to coerce or force you to date trans people.

When it is argued that a refusal to date trans people is influenced by internalized transphobic messages and other bigoted assumptions, it does not follow that the solution would be to date the people they hold bigoted assumptions and prejudices about.  That would be a horrible experience for any trans person they date.  The solution being suggested is to examine your romantic/sexual behavior for prejudicial influence and respond to what you find there the same way we already encourage doing so for all other areas of life.

2 – We’re not just talking about lack of attraction, but about holding attraction that you choose not to act upon.

In many cases trans status is not the first thing a person learns about someone else.  By the time they do learn that person’s trans status, attraction - or lack thereof - is often already established.  If they were never attracted to the person to begin with, then the person’s trans status had nothing to do with it.  If they were attracted to the person up until discovering that they are trans, then “I’m not attracted to trans people” is clearly a convenient lie to hide the truth: that they are attracted to trans people, but for one reason or another they suppress those attractions.  The fact that they can’t even acknowledge the attraction that was once there and feel the need to cover it up with this lie suggests that internalized shame and disgust for the attraction they held for a trans person plays a significant role in this dynamic.

Bottom line, please feel free to approach the conversation with:

"There are some trans folks I’ve been attracted to and strongly desired, but I just can’t go there because x, y, z." Or with,

"It just so happens that I haven’t been attracted to any of the trans people I’ve met so far, of course I have no clue about the folks I never knew were trans."  (For added clarity, mention the number of trans folks you’ve gotten to know well.  Is it 5? 12? 50? 250?)

But please stop with the “I’m just naturally not attracted to trans folks, stop telling me I have to date folks I’m not attracted to.” That’s just not how it works and you’re being intellectually dishonest with yourself and with others.

  1. ourflashlightsandourlove reblogged this from tobitastic
  2. ravenbara reblogged this from thepaisleywind
  3. smithpse reblogged this from tobitastic
  4. rainwasheseverythingaway reblogged this from face--the--strange
  5. retrogradewaters reblogged this from fuckyeahsexeducation
  6. zeroambit reblogged this from thisspinsterlife and added:
    That last comment. Ditto. Me too. That. That a thousand times.
  7. thisspinsterlife reblogged this from amydentata
  8. chaotic-awesome reblogged this from dutchbag
  9. imnotevilimjustwrittenthatway reblogged this from tal9000
  10. epicene-ster reblogged this from dutchbag
  11. dutchbag reblogged this from punwitch
  12. katherinegryffindor reblogged this from gtfothinspo
  13. argentarachnids reblogged this from prophet-0f-fluff
  14. murderous-moon reblogged this from taleth
  15. a-mead-gal reblogged this from gtfothinspo
  16. portals-n-at reblogged this from prophet-0f-fluff
  17. fvckingqveer reblogged this from otheranonymous
  18. doom-muffin reblogged this from gtfothinspo
  19. sweet-summer-left reblogged this from shrineart
  20. wakteja reblogged this from killer-titz
  21. shrineart reblogged this from gtfothinspo
  22. blackmagicalgirlmisandry reblogged this from killer-titz
  23. thismysfit reblogged this from gtfothinspo
  24. ivithedreamer reblogged this from gtfothinspo
  25. killer-titz reblogged this from gtfothinspo
  26. otheranonymous reblogged this from gtfothinspo
  27. nonbinaryforestfairy reblogged this from gtfothinspo
  28. mlpmkilla reblogged this from gtfothinspo
  29. learningtobejustme reblogged this from gtfothinspo and added:
    This is why I vacillate between identifying as bi or poly. I haven’t yet met someone who identifies as trans* to whom I...
  30. theblacksunrising reblogged this from gtfothinspo